and so on...

I had children when I was still a child myself. I was unprepared emotionally, physically, and professionally for what was to come. But still I soldiered on and did the best I could.

Any emotional unpreparedness was washed away when I held my newborn daughter in my hands. Though I knew it would not be easy it no longer mattered. The path that I wanted to follow faded to be forever forgotten and the only thing that mattered was to provide for my child. I was instantly in love, and still am.

I WAS an athlete. I had gotten lazy and let myself go a bit by the time my little one arrived, but I figured I would be able to work it off in the summer. Instead I went to work in the summer and continued to slide.

I was uneducated, unexperienced, and fresh out of high school. I could not make much, so I clung to the first steady job I found; working at the plant my dad managed, and didn't let go.

And we chisled out a life. It took help from others, but we beat out an existance. And along came bundle of joy number two and any doubt I had, and lack of resolve that might have lingered was hardened as I was the first to hold her, and tears streamed from my eyes.

So I toiled on, and life happened. The wheels spun and pages fell from the calender and they grew. Then 4 became three and we three soldiered on.

Exhilirated and terrified, I tip-toed through the next year and a half and did the best I could until 3 became 5. With that, a new wife and another new daughter, this one 3 years past newborn. I did not get the fresh baby smell of her still wet hair. I did not get to feed her or change her diapers, but still my wings quickly surrounded her and I fell in love once more; and I did the best I could.

A little time passed and along came daughter number 4. Again, I held her and smelled her and locked and her "Daddy loves you". And so she grows, more like Bamboo than Oak; and still I try the best I can.

Now, I am professonally more stable. Physically I am a mess, but not without resolve to change, but emotionally I am a wreck.

I am not scared of the responsibility of being a parent; providing and such. I am scared that they will think I have done a bad job as a dad. I think it is every parent's worst fear for thier kids to feel that they did a poor job. For them to feel like they are unwanted or cast out from the group. This is my fear too.

I am the dad, which means being the bad cop all the time. I am the discipline and the "no" in the world. And while I know that it is what is best in most cases, I am fearful they will think that is all I am; that I do not care and that I am doing it not out of love, but out out of dislike. This is soooo not the case. I want so bad for them to grow up to be the best of people, that I can except no less from them.

I am the father to 4 daughters. They do not share the interest in boy things that I really have alot to share in. I know more about hitting a curve ball than where all the curves come from. I know more about who invented something than I do who called who what and who's Mom is a bitch. But still I try; and I hope they know I do and that I love them.

I am the father to 4 daughters which will hopefully mean 4 walks down aisles. Car loads of kids calling me grandpa, and 4 sons-in-law. I just hope that at that time, and each day from here to there they can look back and know that they were loved, and I tried.

I look with pride and sometimes gushing love at each of them as they grow and become the little people they are and just hope that when they become big people, they will be proud of me and the job I did and a father and look and see that I did the best I could.